For the last couple of weeks or so, I've been wanting to update this blog. Seriously, I was close to dragging my butt to the computer but then the most I was able to do was update my now-you-know-where-to-take-me movie list. It's FRUSTRATING as hell to feel that you have a lot to say yet do not know precisely where or how to start. To my luck, you can say the same thing goes for my life lately.
I am one who needs direction, planning, and all those sortssa stuff that spell security and the comfort that goes along with it. Back in the day when I was still wearing skirts and braids, I took comfort in the idea of many years between that day and adulthood. But right now, the forethought of life after school is scaring me like hell. I fear a lot of things, but this feeling of having NO idea whatsoever of what I'm gonna be/do and the possibility of failure is way beyond my tolerance levels.
Around lunch last Friday was one particular instance wherein fear made me do things that I normally wouldn't do. Several minutes past lunch break, I dragged my feet down to Rm105 to ask Ate Tess to rush a copy a copy of my TCG and a certification that I'm graduating. I went off to the College of Law and whaddyaknow, the woman behind the counter had "shocked" spelled on her face when I told her that I was to get a copy of the LAE application form. Honestly, I would've comforted her by saying that I shared the sentiment but chose not to since the clock was ticking and I had to get my application rolling. Luckily, in the nick of time, I made it:
Testing Time: 1pm
Testing Center: Room 125, School of Economics, UP Diliman
And in case you didn't notice, the UP LAE was due on Sunday, two days after I applied.
Now, maybe you don't quite get it, but then I have to explain that it's not me to do these things: last-minute application, taking a big-deal test without any review whatsoever, paying almost two thousand for something that wasn't almost certain. But then again, the question is WHY I chose to go with it, the last-minute gut feel that told me to take that friggin' exam?
It was a big-ass dream. I wanted to become a lawyer ever since I could remember. I wanted to help people who were oppressed, defend someone who was wrongly accused, fight for someone's rights; and all that for a simple thank you. Yes, I am quite a sucker for charity work and I love myself that way. I wanted to practice law for the love and passion for it. Though I do not abhor lawyers who charge for their services (because technically, that's what professionals are supposed to do), I believed that one cannot fully say that he/she defended or upheld someone's rights if it was compensated by some price. The logic of it just doesn't sit well with me however way I looked at it.
So, in an effort (however, sly) to fit everything together, I considered the possibility of taking night classes and working in the days. But of course, everything depends on the results come February. Now that I'm done with the exam, I can only say that the outcome depends on how well all the other 5thou-ish applicants did. I came in the examination room with nothing new in my head, just a healthy pack of 15 years-worth of schooling. The end is by no chance on my hands. But I'm happy I had the courage to take the first step.
And then again, the answer will come in time. |
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