Forehead creases, eyebrows meet, mouth opens as an attempt at protest.. and in your little mind you see your head shake slowly, left to right, and then back. After a couple of seconds you realize that you were actually capable of having it -- that you were actually in self-denial.

I never thought that it was possible, lest I have been blind to the whole thing. I know very well that I don't know myself that much, hence, the self-discovery bouts I have had for the past years now.

A couple of days ago I was hit on the face by the truth, that to which I have been blind to since forever. I am a scaredy cat, a loser, whatever else is parallel.

Never was there a time that I took a chance on something, something as small as ordering something new on the menu at my favorite coffee shop. It was always my handy-dandy, my staple, or my quote favorite end-quote. Although I have been taking baby steps in this department, the big picture was still a blur to me, and still is up to now. I never had my share of breathtaking sighs, tears of joy, to-hell-with-the-world-cos-I'm-gonna-do-it scene. Suffice to say that I have never "lived the moment" in my whole life -- the whole nineteen years of it.

Sure I have had my cut with looking-like-an-idiot-but-I-don't-care moments, like the ones wherein I pretend to fly while walking in the sidewalks; but I really haven't taken that single step when it mattered. Why? Because I always thought that there was little point in taking it all in "right here, right now". It was always due to wishful thinking that something better would come along and thus there was no use savoring what I had then and there. Thinking about it now though doesn’t start me off with the list of things I'd rather not have done in the past -- I believe everything had a reason. But it does get me a little worried that I may not be able to live life fully, that people I meet won't come to know the real me.

I want to stop worrying. I want to be prepared, but not too much as to allow myself to be drowned thinking about the future and letting the present slide by.

I want to stop being afraid. Afraid of taking chances, of making bets, of sticking my hand out in the cold.

I want to, even if it means that in the end I might hurt.